Life’s Not Fair.

I initially started this post the night of our loss, but now that it’s been 3 days, things started looking up, until today.  Now I guess I need to finish this blog so I can heal.

I figure, mourning is mourning no matter what species goes through a loss.  November 8th, Angel went into labor.  And I thought, ‘it’s about time’.  Unfortunately, what she delivered first caused me to be both worried and stressed out.  Now forgive me if this sounds gross and disgusting what I’m about to type, but I kinda gotta say it to tell my story.

Angel was constantly going outside to do her business, but when she came in from her last trip out, I noticed something coming out.  I was getting excited cause first thought was, “OMG PUPPY!!!!!!”  Unfortunately, it wasn’t.  What it was, was just a sac of fluid, no puppy inside.  This is where I started to worry.  And to those of you who know me well, when I worry, it’s not just a little bit,,, I go to the extreme and start stressing on top of it.

After she delivered the sac, I figured I’d help with the clean up process and grabbed some tissues.  BAD IDEA.  Yep, you guessed it, I just about got sick.  I urged three times but in the end, I did manage to get the tissues in the garbage.  And you would think after having 2 kids naturally that I’d be fine.  NOT. 🙂

It wasn’t until 12:33pm (Newfoundland time) that we had a puppy.  She was so cute too.  Though, at the time I didn’t know what sex it was until about an hour later when Angel allowed me to pick her up and see her.

We were waiting a long time for any others.  We hoped that this one wasn’t it.  With her size, she looked like she was having at least 4 or 5.  But I guess, you can’t really tell.  But it was a very long wait for the other one.

Unfortunately we had to run an errand.  I was a little reluctant to go, but it was something that I needed to be there for.  We were gone for approximately hour and half.  In the time when we got back, Angel had given birth to her second puppy.  But with sad news, she was already dead.  Yes, it was another girl.  Denise, my 8 yr old took this very hard.  Mainly cause she was the one who seen the puppy in the box with Angel and the first puppy.  My husband asked Denise if she wanted to name her.  She chose Emma.  We asked her why that name and she said, “cause it’s a pretty name.”  So Emma it was.

Well Denise cried her heart out, bless her.  And I trying to hold it all in and be strong for her.  In the end, i couldn’t hold it any more, and I bawled.  It didn’t help matters when Denise would whisper to me, “I want Emma back”.

Where I have an awesome list of friends on Twitter, I went directly there to announce the death of Emma.  That’s when I seen a friend DM me, sending me her condolences.  With Denise crying on my shoulder, I asked her if she had time to skype for a few minutes.  And she did.  We got on skype and me and Denise cried some more.

Although, I have to give my friend credit, she did manage to make us laugh before Denise had to go to bed.  So while I seen to the kids, Paul stayed and chatted with our friend.

I got joined back into the conversation, mainly talking about food.  What can I say, I married a cook. 🙂  We chatted some more, laughed some more, then our friend had to go.  There was a Habs game on, it’s routine what she watch.  Which was fine, I was feeling much better plus I had Paul with me.

Which brings me to today’s sad news.  We loss the first one.  11:38am today (Newfoundland time), our first little girl past away.  For whatever reason, the name Ally popped into my head.  She needed a name before I buried her next to her sister in my garden.

I went into twitter yet again to announce our loss and the outpouring of love I received from everyone is so overwhelming.  I love you all who sent me open tweets and DM’s.  I love you all for caring.  The friendships I have made by joining twitter in the first place is something that I’ll cherish forever.

I guess maybe I should have given you all a warning that tissues may be needed when reading this, but I figure after the first paragraph, you’d have either went and got some, or used whatever was handy.

So Ally and Emma are resting comfortably and are probably off playing somewhere.  Least, that’s the thought I’ll have.

Did I blame myself for Emma.  Yep.  If I had to have been home, she might still be with us.  Then again, she might have been born that way.  It’s something that I’ll forever have in my back of my mind.  With Ally, I tried so hard to keep her with us. She would stretch out and then stiffen up.  I done what I could to get her breathing again.  I had to do that twice.

On the last of it, Paul was here in the kitchen with me (I had her in the basket on the counter-top).  With my back to her, he watched her raise her head and stretch out.  I knew before he told me that she was gone.

I am surprised that I’m able to write this without seeing the keys properly.  I’ve cried so much in the last 3 days then I have in my lifetime.  I never want to go through this ever again.

I’ll be popping in and out of Twitter today in case you want to catch me there.  Or you can leave me a message here.

Until then. xo